Evidence-Based Practice

Evidence based practice. You mean nursing is only starting to use EBP recently???! Ehhhh???! when the rest of the world are already ages ahead of us???! I thought I had heard of this term some time ago... Man...

I'm so uninspired to write anything that's of worth these days. So I decided to jot down whatever I learnt from my conference here. Did you know that medication errors killed like 7000 people in the US alone??? That's like, super freaky and scary!!!! OMG!! I found out about the Dennis Quaid incident only today. His twins were given Heparin 10 times the normal dose!!! That's so so so so scary!! You know? ALl these incidences only makes me all the more wary when dishing out medication. It's scary to be a nurse!!!

But in this conference, I like it when they actually said that it's the system's fault when an error occurs. Do you know that filling in the incident report form (for medication error) is like a death sentence for me??? I feel so scared. But yesterday, they talked about consoling the poor nurse who has done a mistake. And suddenly? I feel as though someone understands! Do you know how it must have been like for the poor nurse who gave the Quaid twins that dose of Heparin?? She must have been stumped and shocked! I certainly would have been too numb to work, heck I would have resigned or something!!!

Anyway, Evidence-Based Practice. LOL! Sorry for being super random today. I'm like flying of the shelves! I wonder which hospital in Malaysia will be the pioneer in this field. Nice isn't it if Adventist starts it? But there are too many projects running concurrently this year. And EBP need lots of research and evidence appraisal before a new guideline can be published. And looking for worthy evidence itself is going to be hard. Imagine appraising every piece of research paper for it's grading and looking through the methodology!!! Yuck!!

But I think if a team is doing this, and everyone is passionate about it? It is quite an enjoyable thing! I find it quite appealing ^_^ Oops! need to have dinner now. JCI's coming next year! I'm on the infection control panel (I think) and let's hope I can learn more new things and improve patient care!!

Cheers darls!!

A Tribute to Mr. Hairdresser

Yosh! Went to the hair salon after some many long months of neglect and abuse towards my hair! Hehe.. I think the last time I cut my hair was before my birthday last year, which makes it almost a year till now, seeing that my birthday is coming soon (hint hint.. :p). Anyway, it wasn't a drastic cut, the same concept but not so layered anymore. He even temporarily straightened it for me! Uwaaa!! I kinda reminisced about my straightened hair for a while, but then naturally wavy hair is just as good ^_^

And I found out (after such a long period of not catching up with the hairdresser friend) that he got a job offer in Belgium!!!! OMG!! Freaking OMG! I'm super happy for him, but still sad that he'll be leaving. It's not for another three months, but still, he is a nice friend and I loved his work (not always, but mostly). His attitude towards hair is impeccable! He treats each customer's hair lovingly and doesn't do a half-past-six job ^_^ Sigh.. I hope to find another person with so much love for his craft as this man does.

Anyway, after a tiring day, it is super nice to sit down on the chair and get tender loving care. Every stroke and tweak on my scalp was sheer bliss, right up till I got my hair washed, scalp massaged, blown dry and straightened. Therapeutic isn't it?? I think I felt a headache forming somewhere back in my brain, but after the wonderful session, it disappeared! Lovely!

Oh well, will enjoy my straight hair for a few hours more, then it's back to work. Hope everyone has a wonderful day as well!! Go check in to a salon for some tender loving care too! And I hope my dear friend will settle down well in Belgium and not munch too much on chocolates :p

Ganbatte kudasai!!!! ^____^

The past

It is true that the past indeed catches up with you. Someone with whom I had a falling out years ago is now admitted in my ward. I felt so scared and anxious when I saw her face this morning. "How do I nurse her?" "Has she forgiven me?" "Will she be mad at me and scream that she doesn't want to be in this ward any longer?" 'What do I do? I can't ignore her forever.. She's admitted here for goodness sake!"

These questions ran through my mind. My heart pumped like there was no tomorrow whenever I stepped into the room. At first I pretended that I didn't see her, but I knew that this can't go on forever. My heart tells me to act professional, but I can't. I felt weird. But to see her in her current condition somewhat broke my heart. Yet I was to scared to approach her.

Sigh... I'm so worried, but I know I can't change anything. Unless I open my mouth of course. And yet, the fear of making her even more miserable overwhelms me. I can't really think right now. I'm such an ass. Really I am.

Johnny Depp's Aspirations

Johnny says that he wants to grow into a man with a beer belly! Oh sigh...... How hot can that man be?? He's so "abnormally normal"! People are trying to avoid the pot belly, but he actually wants it?!

Sigh... I guess celebrities can be anything they want and is still loved.

Coz I like him even more after he said that. Hehe....

Ooh! Honk! If You're Malaysian is such a lovely book! Haha! I could relate to the stories so much (maybe because I'm a typical M'sian) and can even see myself in some of the situations she's written about! Haha! I'm definitely M'sian :p

Cheers!
p/s: I hate PMS..

Sucky day

Office politic SUCKS. Period.
And colleagues with super big egos suck all the same. Period.
Can't we all just give and take? The world will be a nicer place to live in! Heck, even I will go the extra mile to help someone like that. So why remember past grudges and keep bringing them up?
What a sucky day.

Sudirman Cup: M'sia VS China

I never knew watching a badminton match would provide me with a barrel of laughs. So when I tuned in yesterday night to watch M'sia and China play off in the semi-finals, I laughed so hard, my intestines probably had herniated without me noticing. That hilarious??

Indeed!

First game was mixed doubles, which sucked to the core. Nothing worth mentioning here, so I'll skip to the next game. Lin Dan vs Lee Chong Wei. Woo-hoo! Kick-ass baby, or so I thought. Well, I was hoping our beloved Datuk will kick some ass here. Unfortunately, it turned out to be the other way around. But, it was quite an interesting fight, had not RTM 1 decided to stop the game for the news!!!! DAMN!!! What were they thinking! National pride on the line here, dudes!! Man... So I caught only the first few points from the 1st game, before being RUDELY cut off, and continued again with the second game, in full action. Sigh.......

Oh well... RTM better use some sense next time. Anyway, Datuk Lee still had it in him and at least managed to make Lin Dan run for his money. But I loved watching Lin Dan in action. Boy can he jump! Did China make their players eat jumping beans or sumthin??? And his smashes lived up to their name. Smashing indeed! I would probably have rolled on the floor, broke a toenail, and twisted my neck trying to pick his shots! But no. Datuk Lee flew all around the court, returning every shot (most anyway) and even fell flat and jumping up the next second running around again defending his court! Hats up indeed to him for doing his very best. *filled with national pride suddenly*

But the highlight was the 3rd match!! I don't know whether it was a good game or not, but to me it was!!! This match had me laughing my guts out and holding on to my head (of all the time to get a headache...). Koo Kien Keat/Tan Boon Heong vs Fu Hai Feng/andsomeChineseboyIDon'tevenknowthename-butstilllookshot-damn!

LOL..

The M'sian pair delivered a game the way only M'sians could, which included some colourful hand signs and some butt-smacking. Phewit!

Well, the M'sian pair started the ball rolling. They quickly caught some points and I thought "A-HA! Finally! Redemption time!" (Obviously, I should not have judged so early..) when the China pair suddenly halted the game and complained of "wind" in their court. And so I was pissed, because they suddenly tried an entire box of shuttlecocks - for reasons not made known to me - and made some unheard comments which, by then made me super pissed because they were such BIG BABIES!!!

So fine, the game started again. And so did the laughing. Koo Kien Keat started to scream everytime he did a jumping smash (I named it so... ^_^). And it was so hilarious! I mean, he had to jump so many times and he screamed every time! LOL! I was so amazed at his vocal prowess! He should play a game with Anna Kournikova. Or wait, was it the other lady?? Whatever. The female player who would scream every time she delivered a shot?? Yeah, that one. And we will have one hell of a shouting match!

And there was once when, I think, Koo KK did a mistake, and flashed his middle finger to his badminton racket! LOL!! And the camera decided to show it, zoomed in and in slow motion! That was priceless dude. Totally..

Another laugh-out-loud moment was when one of the M'sian players (I forgot who), smashed the shuttle right into his friend's ass! LMAO!!! My oh my! And his partner turned around and sort of stared daggers at him, and I totally lost it. Well, obviously the camera decided to repeat that scene again and in slow motion too. Well.......

But we lost anyway in the end. Malaysia 0, China 3. Other than the first match, the other 2 were pretty much good games. Oh well, let's hope there will be one day where M'sia will kick China's ass for good. Until that day, I'll continue to gawk at Lin Dan's biceps and Fu Hai Feng's ass. Damn!

p/s: I forgot that I watched the match with my dad, who provided plenty of "colourful and amazing" narrations. Which would have explained my cackling.. I mean.. laughing...
Good day!!

Happy!

Lala! I'm super happy now coz I've managed to write a nice fanfic! Well, I like what I wrote, so there! :p

I used to love writing, but after school, I just didn't have any inspiration to write. Now that I have some "characters" in my mind, I get to let my imagination run wild and make my characters do silly things again! Wahaha! I'm crazy, am I not?

Oh! I decided to register on twitter and see what's all the hype about twittering. Did that, and I still think Facebook is better. Well, there are plenty of things to do on FB.... And I'm following NajibRazak.. Haha! It's kinda cute to know what the prime minister is doing, don't you think so? I feel important... heh!

Cheers!!

Eilyn and Shirls are coming back this year!!! Yay yay yay!!! I can't wait to see my friends again!!

Heartbeat

Title: Heartbeat
Rating: G
Pairings: Tomapi (as usual from me ^_^)
Summary: Toma and Pi involved in an accident...
Disclaimer: Purely fiction. Toma and Pi does not belong to me unfortunately.. =.=


A well dressed man sat before the white-washed marble slab, silent and unmoving. But he wasn't sad, as how most people were when paying their last respects to their beloved one. He wore a smile on his face and his eyes only on the picture on the marble plaque. His thoughts transported back to his past where happier times reigned.

A pang of joy suddenly gripped his chest, and the young man broke into a bigger smile. He clutched his chest, and felt his heart beating.

*************************************************

(15 months ago)..

It all happened in the blink of an eye....

It was all in the headlines. The accident that Yamashita Tomohisa and Ikuta Toma, two of Johnny's talents, were involved in. The car they were traveling in had crashed into the divider and somehow flew to the opposite side of the road. Luckily there were no oncoming vehicles that night. But the damage had already been done. Although there were no eyewitnesses, but officers said that it was most likely that the car had skidded before crashing into the divider. The site of the wreckage was not pretty. The automobile was mangled and shattered glass was everywhere. Dried up blood stained the tarred road and brought looks of horror to those who saw it.

Both men had been found on scene by a pickup trucker around 4 in the morning. They were rushed to the nearest hospital, and by morning, all of Japan had found out about the news. For a while, the whole of Japan fell into silence. This had been the worst accident to date, where celebrities were involved. Hospital officers later released information that both men were in serious condition and every effort possible was being taken to save the two lives.

Almost all of Johnny's talents were at the hospital. All grim and silent while awaiting the latest condition of their friends. Faces ashen, they sat in groups. Hardly anyone made conversation. The most silent of all had to be the group sitting in the middle. NEWS, minus their leader. Koyama's face was in his hands, Nishikido Ryo was gripping both Kei and Massu so tightly. Tegoshi was huddled together with Shige, who looked like he was going to throw up. Nobody knew what to say or what to do. Only by lunchtime did Johnny Kitagawa himself send message and directed all to go back to work. No one could help in any way and doctors were frustrated by the crowd.

The remaining NEWS members were allowed to stay on with Toma's family and Yamashita's mother. All giving support and prayers in times like these..

*************************************************

Yamapi felt strangely light and dizzy. Everything was shrouded in a mist. His head felt so heavy and groggy and try as he wanted to, he could not open his eyes. He could hear weird beeping sounds and snatches of conversation around him, but he didn’t recognize those voices. He thought he heard his name called, but unconsciousness was beckoning again. He gave up fighting and slipped back into his dreams.

He saw a younger version of himself sulking in the corner, eyes downcast and feet kicking against the floor. He tried to recall when this was when out of the corner came Toma. Younger Toma with hair so black. The older boy walked up to his young self and looked at him for a while. Young Yamapi looked defiantly at the older one and wanted to stomp off. But Toma caught Pi in time and said something. Then he saw his younger self shouting and the two boys started fighting again.

He remembered now. Toma had lied to him and Pi had found out from Kamenashi. He was furious back then, but Toma had made up to him later. He had made Toma promise not to lie anymore, especially not to him.

“I never did lie again Pi…” a voice whispered in his heart.

His heart gave a small flutter and ached. Yamapi drifted of into the dark again…

************************************************

“You’ll have to decide quickly. Time isn’t on our side anymore.” The doctor gravely explained.

Toma’s mother broke down and cried. She can’t and could not do this. How can they make a decision like this? They did not even know how the accident happened, and now this?! It’s unfair! How can God expect them to decide in matters like this? Her heart broke again. Only tears poured out her grief.

************************************************

Her soft hands caressed the fragile handsome face now almost unrecognizable with tubes and bandages on it. His lean body now lay on the bed, lines running in and catheters draining out fluids from the body. Wires attached to his body and connected to a monitor, were the only means to know whether he was alive. Occasionally, the monitor will emit a beep.

Toma’s mother sat beside him not knowing what to do for her son. She felt helpless and angry at herself. His father, who could not bear to look at his son like this, was sitting outside the room, puffing on his 14th cigarette. Ryusei was standing in the corner, fists clenched, breathing shallow. All not knowing what to do.

Many tears have been shed, and yet sorrow and fear clutched at their hearts. Visitors and friends have came and all left with a heavy heart. Words of consolation trailed off every visitor, and yet none were convincing enough.

“Ikuta-san now has to rely on this ventilator to breathe for him as he cannot breathe on his own. The accident had caused extensive damage to his brain, crushing the left side of his skull, hence causing injuries and bleeding in the brain. Although the surgery had removed much of the clots and stopped the bleeding, but there is no guarantee that he will come out of this the same again. His right kidney also had to be removed because it was ruptured. The accident also claimed a third of his liver.” The chief surgeon had explained it all, and left with a note for them to pray. All that could be done was now done. His life now depends to the Almighty One above.

*************************************************

Somewhere deep inside, something stirred. He must wake up! It’s the only thing he can do. Although unconscious, he had heard what the doctor said. He heard a name being mentioned. He must wake up to that name. For that name..

Somehow, almost like an eternity, he found a pair of hands. He clung on to it. A gasp and a loud yell went through the room. Frantic calls for the doctor and yelling continues. He still held on to the hand.

Not much energy left, must hold on…..

And to his surprise, he found his voice. Soft, but determined. Too soft.

"Take…. it..” he whispers. A face came close, tears falling. The hand grabbed his.

A long pause.

“Let.. him have…it.” Another sentence.

He grips the hand tighter and this time musters all his strength.

“Onegai…shimazu…….. plea..se do….it f-for..me…. It..has always belonged…belonged to him……”

He lapsed back into the calming peace that coaxed him in.

************************************************

The morning sun shone bright and cheerfully through the blinds. Warm and strong light filtered into the room coming to rest on the thin body lying on the hospital bed. An eye opened.

Itai….

His eyes hurt after almost a month of not being used to light. He squeezed them shut again. A while later, he opened his eyes slowly and after a minute, his eyes refocused and things came into view. Paper cranes were dangling in the room and he could smell the scent of flowers. Freshly plucked flowers.

Yamashita Tomohisa turned his head to the side and his joints creaked. A shooting pain shot through his neck muscles and he grits his teeth tightly, swallowing the pain. He tried to push himself up from the bed only to have more pain shooting away in his whole body, like hundreds of needles going through him at once.

The pain blinded him and he slumped back onto the bed. He could hardly feel his legs and his body tingled with every new movement. He tried to yell, but nothing came out. His throat felt sore. After repeated tries, he managed to claim his voice back. He hated this. Whatever condition that he was stuck in, he loathed it…

At that moment, two nurses walked in the room, chatting away, not noticing that their long unconscious patient was awake. Suddenly, one nurse gasped and elbowed her friend. Her friend followed her gaze, shrieked and immediately ran out of the room.

Three hours later, after multiple assessments by doctors, a steady stream of visitors kept flowing into the room. His NEWS members were the first to arrive and Koyama kept kissing his face, leaving Yamapi very disgruntled. His mother laughed at their antics and kept wiping tears of joy away. Thank the heavens she said in her heart. Jin came to visit him with a big pack of udon and had wanted to feed him there and then. Had the nurse not confiscated the entire packet, Yamapi would have died a second time again.

That afternoon, many fans across the country and world rejoiced and breathed a sigh of relieve. Their golden boy was finally awake after a month of being in coma. Newspapers covered the news and it seemed like the world was smiling again.

Yet, Yamapi felt a small void in his heart. In the midst of the commotion, he suddenly remembered.

Where was Toma?

*************************************************

5 months later

Yamapi absentmindedly caressed the long scar on his chest while reading the newspaper. He was ready to go home today. The company had promised to fetch him by noon, and so he had the whole morning to himself. After breakfast, he went to the garden outside and sat on his favourite bench. He smiled at the nurses and some familiar faces.

He placed a hand over his heart, and closed his eyes. He could sense the heart beating gently against his own ribcage. A smile crept over his face as he leaned back against the bench.

Toma, we never will part again, will we?

For the first month, Yamashita had kept on crying. His heart ached so badly that he wanted to rip it out. Only thing was, he can’t. He hated Toma for making his own decisions. He hated Toma for lying. Toma knew how Yamapi hated lies, and yet, of all people, Toma had lied to him.

Why… He kept asking.

You said you’d never leave me. You promised me that! You said you’ll accompany me for the rest of my life, YOU said it yourself!! Damn you, Ikuta. Damn you, damn you, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

And again a whole dam of pain will reopen and burst forth from his heart. The tears just won’t stop. He yelled and yelled till he was tired and hoarse. He was hysterical. His friends and most importantly, his mother, was worried that he would collapse. He refused to eat, he refused to go for rehabilitation, and he even refused his medication. Friends and family were at a lost. They had tried to break the news as gently as they could.

In the end, Toma’s mother was the one who told him. She had wanted to tell Yamapi herself. That was what Toma would have wanted.

“Tomo-chan, please calm down,” she had said.
“Toma could not make it through. He had fought hard and long, but in the end, the battle was too much.” Her voice broke and tears fell again.

“But even in the end, at the end of it all, Toma chose to give his life to you. His heart…to you.”
Toma’s mother had cried together with him.

“Toma said that his heart had belonged to you all the while. It was always yours, and so… he wants to return it to you.”

“Yamashita, please take good care of Toma. I leave him with you now,” she had said. They both hugged and Yamapi had never felt so much pain in his life ever.

His own heart was failing him back then. He needed a heart transplant urgently, but there wasn’t any for him. Toma on the other hand had a healthy heart, but was no longer with them. There was nothing the doctors could do to bring him back again. The brain injury was too much. He can never come back again.

And so, with Toma’s parents’ consent, they had Toma removed from all life support. And his heart was given to Yamapi.

*************************************************
A bird moved Yamapi out of his reverie. He looked up again into the photograph of Toma.

“You haven’t left me at all, have you Toma?” Yamashita smiles and continues talking to his friend.
“Hey, I’m really sorry for cursing you back then. You know… when I damned you for leaving me?...”
“Ha-ha… well, you haven’t left me at all, ne Toma?”
“Nothing will ever separate us again. This I know.”

A while later, Yamapi got up and bade farewell. And he heard a voice in him say,

“I never lied Pi, I never did lie again, did I?”

Love Unconditionally

Can you love someone unconditionally? Can you pour out love to someone and not expect to have it returned? They say that true love is when you love that someone and will not expect them to return you your love.

One quote that's sent through the mail is saying that "never make someone top priority in your life when you are only a choice to them".

Frankly speaking, I think we are just humans. It feels silly to love someone who will never love you back. But then again, love is just that. Love never expects any answer. Perhaps all those sappy romantic movies we've watched told us that it is only worthwhile to love if someone loves you back too.

I am no genius on love. However, did go to church a few weeks back when someone spoke on the subject of love. He said that love hurts. It always will. If you love someone, somehow you'll get hurt. And if you want to love someone, make sure you love unconditionally. Like how God loves us, or like how a mom loves her child.

Something kinda struck me at how love can hurt you. A mom who loves her child. Mothers love their children even if their child won't love them back. Ouch... Perhaps it has never crossed my mind (to think about hurting those who love us), but saying it out loud makes it so much painful. Can you ever love someone without receiving it back in return?

Have you ever loved a friend, only to have it all pushed away, and yet continue being friends with them? Have you ever loved someone and not having your feelings noticed by the other? Have you ever hurt someone who loves you and to find them there for you again?

In the end we are all human beings again. We get drawn to love like moths to the fire (or like those silly bugs to my fluorescent light...) and even if we get burnt, we come back for more. Indeed love makes the world goes round. Perhaps it is inevitable that once we love, hurt is around the corner.

Perhaps loving someone unconditionally is not so difficult after all. You just don't put any expectations on them to love you back (hence blocking most of the pain - if love isn't reciprocated because you never expect it to return anyway) and be grateful that you are given a chance to show care and love to that someone.

Be grateful for being given a chance to love. Indeed.

My Orange Angel

My orange angel walked past me today, when I least expected it! And that really made my day! Least to say I was in cloud 9 for the rest of the day. Sadly, I only saw the said angel around 10 at night.. But I think my happiness will carry on till the coming morning.

Isn't it nice to have these small small things cheer up your day? You were lest expecting it when, BAM! Suddenly your day takes a turn for the better! It's definitely nice ^_^

Cheers to all my friends, and may their day be a better day tomorrow (regardless of what timezone you people are in :p)

La la la la! La la la la la la.. ^_____^

Tired Because I Did Nothing

Yes.. I am tired because I did absolutely nothing! I can never imagine how tiring nothingness can be! I went to the Youth Wave event this morning in Balik Pulau Indoor Stadium and drove for an hour or so! And I had to wake up at 5.30am and leave by 6.20am.

When I finally got to the stadium, we sat down from 9am till 6pm, and the only things we saw were cramps, sprains, and more cramps! Who wouldn't if they had been playing ball from morning till evening?! But the worst part was sitting down and doing nothing....

I realized that after becoming a nurse, I really needed to be busy (when required la..). I can't just sit down for 12 hours doing nothing..... I'll go out of my mind!

And the worst part was, I asked my 3 other nursing friends to accompany me! Poor them... I really feel sorry for making them wake up so early in the morning and going up to a stadium halfway around Penang to do NOTHING!! Everyone was so tired, they dropped dead in my car on the way home...

So, again. How can nothing be so tiring????
Sigh.....

Living in Memories

My friend recently confided that she has been living in her memories. As in she kept thinking of the past and being sad over those things that had hurt her back then. Then of course, she felt guilty. Guilty towards her present life, where she has been given so much happiness and love. (This sounds really more philosophical in Mandarin.... sorry).

I look at my life and find myself doing that too. I sometimes go over the memories and find myself smiling or tearing up at what had happened or what should have happened and hadn't. Crying over spilt milk is useless, I know.

Oh it really isn't so horrible as crying over spilt milk. My life is pretty much smooth sailing up to now, and I definitely want it to go on being so! I'm no ungrateful $&*#&$@! LOL!

Yaargh!!! There are so many bugs flying around!! Those that are attracted to the light?! I can't type on being "attacked" by them! YUCK!! Will do this some other time.

GO AWAY!!!!!!!1

It's all one sided

One sided love affairs are actually not that heartbreaking if you look at it on the positive side. On another note, it can't be an affair if it's one sided rite? It takes two to tango, afterall...

Oops.. I was supposed to write something here.. My words all flew out the window! Dang!!

Oh well. Will be back for more some other time...

Koi no ABO

I only know the song is about blood types, as the Japanese are really into this blood-type-determines-your-personality thingy.. But the video makes me ROFL!! Ok, maybe because Ryo is so short and he's in the middle of that disco-hip-shaking move....

Oh.. I'm "tepuk sebelah tangan" again ^_^ But I don't care and will learn not to care. As long as I'm enjoying myself, and besides, I'm not harming anyone. But have to remind myself not to have any expectations. Will do my best! Haha!




Lyrics (can't help myself..)

YOUtachi, Nani gata?

Koi wo Koi wo Koi no ABO
Koi wo Koi wo Koi no ABO
Koi wo Koi wo Koi no ABO

Hey! A
Kichoumen biriーbaー
Hey! B
My pace na banchou
Uranai ja aishou wa batsu
Nantoka naru deshou

Hey! O
Romanticist leader
AB
Tsundere producer
Dare ni demo chousho to tansho
Real de aru deshou

Hot na hip ga ba
Odorou ze
Hit na song ga ba
Moriagare
Sanchi wa kintore smile
Stage ni agare

Koi shitetai to iinjanai
Hot hothot
Unmei ga fever
Shinjitetai to iinjanai
Hot hothot
Kanjin the feeling
Subete wo sarake dashite
Koi wo shiyou yo

Hey! O
Pride wa dare to
Hey! B
Maru de Jekyll Hyde
Uranai ja aishou wa batsu
Nantoka naru deshou

Hey! A
Tereya na bengoshi
AB
Unique na dreamer
Dare ni demo chousho to tansho
Real de aru deshou

Hot na Dutch de ba
Dakiyosete
Rich na lip ga ba
Ubaitai
Niche mo sacchi mo de
Stage ni agare

Koi shitetai to iinjanai
Hot hothot
Unmei wa funky
Kanjiteitai to iinjanai
Hot hothot
kanzen ni falling
Subete wo sarake dashite
Koi wo shiyou yo

Yureru kage mitsumeau futari
Dakiaeba kore ga koi no ABO

Koishitetai to iinjanai
Hot hothot
Unmei ga fever
Shinjitetai to iinjanai
Hot hothot
Kanjin na feeling
Subete wo sarake dashite

Koi shitetai to iinjanai
Hot hothot
Unmei wa funky
Kanjiteitai to iinjanai
Hot hothot
kanzen ni falling
Subete wo sarake dashite
Koi wo shiyou yo

Koi wo shiyou
Koi no ABO

Koi wo Koi wo Koi no ABO
Koi wo Koi wo Koi no ABO
Koi wo Koi wo Koi no ABO

(Wahahaha!!!)

Referencing

Oh, just a random note.

I HATE DOING REFERENCES.......

aching healing loving

a friend is drifting further away,
was it something that I did or say?
i raked my mind,
and alas was still blind

what is not meant to be
i guess isn't meant to be
but i still can't find the answer
to what happened between me and her

i shrug it off
pretend i'm not hurt and scoff
but deep inside
heart and mind is a chasm so wide

they say time will heal
and all mysteries revealed
so for now
a finger crossed and a smile
upon my brow
will I continue living

I'M NOT CRAZY!

I'M NOT CRAZY!!!

To those who read my fanfictions, I'm not advocating gay-ness (no offence), and they're just plain fictional. Do not take it seriously!
To Evelyn Tan, kindly do not label them as gay. It's just me fangirling and flailing.. Don't think you'll understand.. But still... :p

God bless me...

Chibi Tomapi - Short and sweet (literally)

Title: Chibi Tomapi - Short and sweet (literally)
Pairings: Tomapi
Note: Toma and Pi when they were chibi and cute. On friendship.
Disclaimer: Purely fiction. Nothing to do with Johnny's.

He dragged his heavy and tired body into the small apartment. It was a really lousy day because everything that could go wrong just went wrong and Toma was really down. He made it to the shower and just sat there, really depressed, and annoyed at himself. Funnily, the hostel was really quiet. No one seemed to be home, though somewhere he heard someone snoring. Today he wasn't the funny, cheerful Toma that everyone loved. He was just tried, and plain crappy.

So when Yamapi burst into his room later on, brimming energy and radiating like a sun, Toma nearly snapped at him, though it took all of his will-power not to.

"I'm tired Pi" Toma sighed. He couldn't sleep and his mind kept replaying the day's events, like a broken record. How cruel can life get, Toma mused.

Pi, having sensed Toma's brooding mood, immediately wiped away the silly grin on his face, and gingerly walked over to Toma's bed.

"Is everything ok?"

Toma grunted in response.

Silence.

Pi understood, and gently climbed into Toma's bed.

"Ne... You can lean on me, you know," Pi said out loud to the big lump of body beneath the covers that belonged to Toma.

Silence still.

Pi took a deep breath and continued. "You always act so strong and carefree. But if you get tired, you can lean on me."
Pi stared intently at the lump on the bed. Taking his silence as permission to go on, Pi gathered courage and removed the layers of linen covering his best friend. There, curled up with his knees to his chest, was a spiritless person in need of warmth and love.

Pi leaned down and looked Toma in the eye. Eyes filled with dejectedness looked back. Yamapi lay down on his side and held Toma tightly. He cradled the older one in his thin, 13 year old arms.

"You don't have to be strong everytime. It's okay to be weak sometime. I'll be strong for us both. You can lean on me... Anytime."

After some time, small Toma gave a soft nod in response. He finally fell asleep in the secure arms of a good and loved friend.

Toma's Valentine's Date

Title: Toma's Valentine's Date
Pairings: Tomapi
Disclaimer: Fiction only, and I don't own Johnny's, although I wish I owned Ryo, Toma and Kei-chan ^___^

A pair of stone-washed jeans flew through the air. Followed by 3 more shirts and a pair of black long pants with studs embedded onto it. Half the clothes in the young man's closet were now lying all over the place, covering the floor and occupying half the bed. And still he could not find anything to wear. It was getting frustrating! And only 3 more days to go before the big day arrives! He let out a sigh and sat precariously on the edge of the bed, surveying the mess he had created. A sigh escapes his soft lips.
“Now I’ll have to clean up this mess.. And still nothing to wear! What am I going to do???” he muttered.

As he was deep in thoughts, a message came through to his handphone. Glad for the distraction, he flipped it open and saw the sender. Eager to read his message, he clicked it excitedly.

3 more days! I’m counting the days, can you believe it?!
This is so not me...
See you then!!♥

“Yaa! Don’t remind me already that it’s 3 days away!” he shouted at the phone. Looking miserable again, he flopped down on his bed, crumpling all his clothes. He played with the ring attached to his necklace, twisting it and talking absently to it, “What will I wear hmm? Maybe I should just wear nothing. Give him a surprise..”
Then he snorted, “Yeah right.. Then everyone will stare at me like I’m some lunatic.”
“Haaiiizzzzzz…………” a sigh escaped again.
“I guess I have to shop.

************************************************

The date 14 on the calendar was decorated with tiny little red hearts. Every time his eyes flicked over to the calendar, his heart made a summersault. He felt energised by the thought of seeing his friend and knowing that they are going on a date together. Now that the day has arrived, he was even more excited. The present was bought and wrapped. His clothes (finally!) were picked out, and now he stood in front of his mirror, getting ready.

He made sure his hair was in all the right places. He scrutinized his handsome face and blew a kiss to his image. He caught sight of his body and a small frown broke the good-looking face.
Hmmm.. If only I had lovely arms like him….
Oh well, I’m not that bad looking too. I should score 4 out of 5!
And so, his mood was good again. He finished dressing, scooped up the gift and left his apartment.

Ikuta Toma was going on a date today.

************************************************

He sashayed into the small café. Scents of freshly baked muffins wafted out to greet him. Freshly brewed coffee was being poured into white little cups with hearts on them. In a little corner, he saw what he wanted to see. Another man with a dark blue beret over his hair. The face was impeccably good looking and the skin flawless. He was leaning against a cushioned chair, flipping through magazines. He had not noticed Toma. Toma walked over.

“Is this place taken?”

The other man looked up at the voice. His eyes widened with surprise, but a welcoming smile quickly graced his face.

“Toma!”

The younger man stood up to embrace his friend. He was so glad that they could take time out to meet here despite their busy schedule. But Valentine’s Day was a day where nothing else mattered, except your loved ones. And Yamapi was not going to let his Toma spend Valentine’s Day alone again, like the years before. This year, they will celebrate it together.

“You are on time” Pi greeted Toma.
“Nah..You’re the one who’s early. What time did you reach? I thought you slept late last night?”
“I had to wake up early for today, didn’t I? Besides, I was too excited to sleep anyway.” Pi smiled shyly at Toma. He continued, “So..where are we going today? You said it would be fun.”
“It will be fun. The day is planned out, so shall we start?” Toma held his hand out to Pi.
Yamashita nodded and gave Toma his hand. Both left the shop and started their anticipated day together under a bright blue sky.

************************************************

The beach was their first stop. Not many people were here, so they walked hand in hand, chasing waves and digging for shells. Like kids they were, running around and playing. Leaving behind their alter egos and worries and frolicking in the sun. Toma chased after a crab and Pi yelled at him for being silly (because the crab started running in Pi’s direction). Then the angry crab started running after Pi, to which Toma hooted with laughter because Pi was now trying to get away from it.

Even the sun seemed to be laughing at them, for he shone his rays merrily on the two golden boys who seemed oblivious to the world around them. They went for a swim and challenged each other to a race (which Yamapi won easily because Toma got distracted by a seagull..). They spent almost 3 hours on the beach before giving in to their hungry stomachs. Both men decided to eat at a nearby sushi restaurant. Toma ordered most of the food while Pi ate up almost everything. Which brought a smile to Toma’s lips.

************************************************
After filling their stomachs, they went for a short trip in their car. Talking and feeling the wind in their hair. With Toma driving, Pi blared the music and held Toma’s hand all the way. They shared a quick kiss and laughed about it. Yamashita saw the present Toma was supposed to give him and grabbed it from the back seat. Before Toma could even blink, Pi had already torn the wrapping paper and was gleefully unwrapping the gift. Oh yes, Toma protested, but it was too late. So he resorted to hitting the younger man on the arm (as gentle as possible of course….).

Toma had presented him another ring. However, this ring was much nicer. On the top, it was carved ‘Pi’, but on the inner part of the ring, it was skilfully carved ‘Toma♥Pi’. Yamashita immediately slipped his new ring on and wore a silly grin on his face for the rest of the day. And so it was that the day wore on. They found a Ferris wheel and both wanted to ride on it. So they did. They went shopping in a flea market and got identical bracelets each.

As dusk came, Toma brought Pi to their last destination of the day. They came to Johnny’s Studios in Tokyo. As Toma parked his car, Yamashita turned and looked at Toma. Confusion and curiosity etched onto his face.

“Why are we here?” he gestured at the building.
Turning to look at his beloved, Toma smiled and answered in a husky voice, “Trust me, you’ll like this.”

Getting out of the car, he pulled Yamashita along with him. The building was nearly empty, save for some staffs that had to finish up their work. They went in through the back door. Toma knew the building like the back of his hand. How many times had he roamed these corridors during his free time. He had grown here, along with Tomohisa and other friends. The building had watched them grow. He took the elevator to the 3rd floor and found the second door on the right.

“Toma” Pi whispered.
“It’s all right. No one will see us. And even if someone catches us, we can say we were just practicing.” He comforted the younger man.
Yamapi became even more confused, “Practicing??...”
“You’ll see”, Toma answered.

Both men stepped silently into the spacious studio. They could see their reflection on the mirror facing them. Toma’s eyes wide with excitement and Pi getting excited from curiosity. Toma walked over to the CD player, slipped in a disc, and walked towards Pi, remote control in hand.

“Do you remember Yokubou no Rain?”

Pi getting even more confused, “Yokubou no Rain?” he asked. “The Kinki Kids song?”
Toma took a step nearer to him, “Yes, the song. But, do you remember the steps to which we danced and sang to?”
“Tomo-chan, this is our stage now. All eyes are on us. We wanted to do more things together, so here we are now.”
Toma now stood behind Yamapi. Both their eyes met on the mirror. And a slow nod came from Pi.
“How can I ever forget? But I’m not an excellent dancer like you, so, can we practice the steps one more time?”
Toma nodded his head and grinned, “Sure! Yosh, let’s do this!”

And so they went through the steps one more time. Toma guiding the younger one on and off. Each reliving the moment of the past where they performed this song together. Each singing the part they were assigned to. Singing a song about unrequited love, pain, and loneliness. And when they finally got it right, Toma pressed the play button once again. So they danced, twirled, and moved along with the music. All moves correct and perfect this time. A happy moment for them both as they danced and sang for their audience in their minds. Performing together once again.

The song ended and they stopped. Sweat made the air now musty and damp. But yet they were not tired. Instead both men were surprisingly energetic. They caught each other’s eyes and broke out into laughter. Raucous peals of laughter, just like when they were young. They sat by the window and looked at the night view of the city. Lights everywhere made Tokyo beautiful. Soft shimmering lights and the sounds of cars honking brought the city to life.

Yamapi rested his head on Toma’s shoulders and hummed softly. He knows tomorrow will bring distance to them again with filming and rehearsals. So for now, he just wants Toma’s presence to calm him and renew him. How many times have he clung to Toma in times of need. He always has and will continue to do so. And Toma relishes his role as a mountain of strength in Pi’s life. To keep him secure and to help him always.

Toma lay his head down to the floor and closed his eyes. He had the best Valentine’s Day ever today and he wanted to keep every memory with him. As he smiled, Pi closed his lips down on the other man. Instinctively, Toma kissed back. It always ended with a kiss. It has to, doesn’t it?

Reunion Dinner, Johnny style!

Title: Reunion Dinner, Johnny Style
Pairings: Tomapi, and everyone who is together in Johnny. Big happy family!Summary: Reunion dinner with everyone. And some Tomapi love ^__^

"YOHHH!!!"
"So much food!"
"SUGOI!!!!!!"

Toma stares open mouthed at the food on the table. His eyes doesn't know where to stop, his hands doesn't know where to start.

It was a reunion dinner of sorts. Most of the Johnny boys he had grew up with were here. Senpais and kouhais all interacting together and enjoying themselves. And everyone was very loud... In one corner, Kamenashi Kazuya was stuffing prawns into Jin's mouth. Ryo was lauging so hard, he had to hold his stomach. Ueda was glaring at Ryo because he couldn't eat his food and most of all, he wanted to be Ryo's centre of attention...At the head of the table sat Takki, flaunted by Tsubasa on his right and Jimmy Mackey on his left who was talking with his mouth open, spitting food everywhere and not being apologetic. Matsumoto Jun was also there, sitting with other Arashi members. And of course, Yamashita was next to him, angry because Toma was late, as usual..
And currently, Toma was trying hard to ignore those flashing eyes, staring daggers at him. He averted his eyes towards the food that was on the table.

"Yo, Tegoshi! How's the food? I'm hungry!" Toma asked.
Tegoshi stuck a thumb up at Toma and grinned like the werecat from Alice in Wonderland.

And Yamapi had it. He grabbed Toma, and yanked his hands to make him sit.
"Don't IGNORE me!", Yamapi's chopsticks pointing at Toma. Ignoring Tegoshi's astonished looks, he ranted on, " I haven't seen you for so long, and now you're deliberately ignoring me? I am not taking that! You are an idiot, you know? Idiot!"

The table fell silent. Toma could feel all eyes on them as Pi's words rang out loud and clear. Even the waitress raised an eyebrow.

Oh-oh.. I better calm the tempest before the storm breaks.. Toma thought to himself.

And with that, Toma put on his best pout and biggest set of puppy eyes. Yosh, I'll give it my all..
"Pii... Don't be angry please? Ne??" *puppy eyes again*
"I was just teasing you...." *bigger puppy eyes and exaggerated pout this time*
"Gome-na-sai, Pi-chan" Toma said with a singsong voice and tugged at Yamashita's sleeves.

"Yo, Pi! Come on! Forgive your lover and all will be well" Tsubasa yelled and received a kiss from Takki-kun. "I can't eat with Toma acting all so mushy over there. It's so distracting!" and Takki mimics Toma's pouting face.

"Piiiii...." Toma adds, biting his lips this time for extra effect while giving him the I'm-so-cute-you-cannot-ignore-me-forever-look.
Yamapi's inner desire to torment Toma breaks at that look. He gives in and grunts, not wanting Toma to know that he has him around his finger.
I'm going soft over this guy.. Oh Lord... Yamapi lords in his head.

He grabs a fried broccoli and puts it on Toma's plate and pouts.
Toma throws his hands up in the air, gives a shout of delight, flashes the victory sign, and ruffles Yamashita's hair and hugging him at the same time.

The crowd goes wild again and everyone lapses back into a cheerful mood. Knowing that no one will notice, Toma plants a quick kiss on Yamapi's cheeks, and wriggles down to be next to him.

Yamashita Tomohisa cannot help, but smile at that.

A Day Out

Title: A Day Out
Pairings: Tomapi
Rating: G
Summary: Toma and Pi's day out together to a hot spring in Hanamaki, Iwate.

"Banzai!! Banzai!!"

Toma threw his hands up in the air and the wind caught his hair. The sun was shining merrily above them and the weather was perfect. Toma was laughing so happily that passengers in other vehicles were staring at them. Yamapi caught a glance at Toma and couldn't help but laugh too. How beautiful Toma's hair was dancing in the wind, how pretty Toma's features were, when caught by the light. The slightly crooked nose, those irresistible plump lips (so very kissable - Yamapi couldn't help thinking), and those bright warm shining eyes - now twinkling with laughter. And out of the blue, those very kissable lips came out from nowhere and plonked themselves on Yamapi's lips, disrupting Pi's thoughts.

"Oi!", Pi shouted, "I'm driving!! You are going to make me crash! Baka!!"

"Well, you were staring at me and not on the road. I was just giving you a gentle reminder to wake you up." Toma retorted cheekily, and blew a kiss towards Pi.

"Baka...Now I can't drive straight..." Pi muttered under his breath and said out loud to Toma "You should kiss me when we're stationary, not on the road. And besides, there are people watching us." (pouting).
"Daijoubu Pi. You worry too much. And besides, I don't hear anyone complaining ." Toma throws a wink at Pi. "Anyway, we're supposed to enjoy our trip, aren't we? It's not easy for me to get the same free day as you. So shut up and drive. Or I shall kiss you again. And it's not like I'm a horrible kisser. I'm a superb kisser, in fact! Even Shun said so. So good that we kissed 27 times! Even the both of us have not kissed 27 times" Toma chattered.

A slight pang of jealousy twinged Yamapi's heart. Pi chose to ignore Toma and stuck his tongue out at him. And so they drove. Along the highway, coming into hilly terrain where the city air exchanged into fresher country air and the view of the ocean was turned into one of green trees and old cottages. After almost 8 hours of driving, the pair finally arrived at their destination. What bliss, Toma thought. No longer were the hectic atmosphere and human infested environment present.

Here in Hanamaki, everything was calm and even the air seemed beckoning. They found the hot spring lodge and checked in.Half an hour later, both men were stripped down to almost nothing, except a towel around each other's waist. Toma swallowed a lump when he saw Pi's lean body. How the muscles beautifully curved around his torso, how the strong muscles in the arms, how the..

Toma! Stop staring!! He pulled away his eyes and bit his lips hard as he thought to himself.

"Oi, Pi. A warm hot spring awaits us. Are you going to walk there, or am I supposed to carry you?"
"I'm not an idiot, okay? I have legs that can happily walk me there. Only thing is, my butt is numb from all the driving. I drove most of the way, and you only drove for what... 2 hours? It's always unf...." His words were cut short as Toma pulled Pi in by the waist and kissed him warmly on the mouth. Yamapi's body, tensed from all the driving, finally relaxed as he found himself in Toma's arms.

"I love you." Toma whispered as they pulled apart. "And I'll drive home." Toma smiled gently at Pi and pulled Pi towards the hot spring.

The two spent the day relaxing and chatting in the spring. Laughter accompanied the couple as they talked and shared the events that happened while apart. They both agreed that the NEWS Winter Concert was a blast and they should do more together in the future. Toma talked about Voice and Yamapi said he can't wait to watch it. Toma laughed at Pi's wrinkled skin (from soaking too long in the hot spring), and Pi squirting Toma with water. It's quite an amusing scene to behold. As the dayretreated, they decided to have dinner in their room.

After dinner, Pi snuggled up to Toma on the bed and closed his eyes. Toma gazed at Pi. Watching how his chest moved with every breath. He carresed Pi's still damp hair and kissed his forehead. Toma closed his eyes and both men were silent. Chirping of the nocturnal insects gave the ending day a harmonious melody, every note sang in accordance to the orchestra of humming insects and birds. Each enjoying the company they had. Thankful for this small getaway they managed to squeeze in.

"Happy New Year, Toma"
"Happy New Year, Yamashita."... And after a while he added,
"Let's bring our love into the new year and step into the future together. May this year be ours to conquer."

And so, the two men drifted into slumber. Each weaving in and out of each own's dream, bodies snuggled up and keeping each other warm, hands entwined and fingers linked. A future entwined with merry days to come.

Letters

Title: Letters
Pairings: Ryopi/Toma
Rating: G
Note: I was feeling sad that Ryopi had more pics than Tomapi (or so it seemed to me) and hence wrote this. The song Insa(Greeting) by DBSK from the OST for Millionaire's First Love contributed to the sad atmosphere. 2nd fic of mine, so I hope I have improved, if not slightly. Happy reading!


How can it possibly hurt so much inside...

Yamashita,
How many years have passed between us, from the first time we met up till now that we are adults? I used to think that we’ll always grow up together, sing songs together, and walk down this journey through life with each other. How silly it was for me to think that you’ll always be by my side. Obviously it wasn’t meant to be.

Perhaps I can only blame fate that we are now apart and distanced. I never knew nor expected to fall for you. Remember us going on the roller-coaster ride together? When we were 13? You gripped my hand so hard, I thought it was going to break (laughs). Funny thing was, I think I fell for you then. You were so young, small and naïve. I wanted to protect you then. To be strong for you.

You left. You could not help it, I know. I understand. The pain of it is carved into my heart. You left me when we were young, and now you will once again leave me. My heart will bleed once more, and I don’t know how long it will take to heal. Perhaps, it never will. Strangely, I don’t want it to. This pain I will carry it with me, for I can’t bear to forget you, nor can I bear to push you out of my heart.

I’m not angry with you, nor am I angry with Ryo. How silly it is that I could not see the bond you shared with him. How silly it was that I kept denying what I saw. Truth is, I was jealous. I guess this is me. Selfish me that wanted you only for myself. Wanted you to stay with me.

This is my first and last letter to you. I don’t think I’ll write again. I’m sorry for the muddled contents. My mind is angry, confused, hurt and I think my heart is speaking louder than my head. I just wanted to wish you and Ryo all the best and I know you’ll always be cherished and loved. I’m sorry for not having more dear memories to take away with me. I’m sorry to have been selfish. I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m sorry I can’t share your happiness. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can ever live without you.

Toma

(Toma was found struggling for his life in his apartment after inhaling too much gas. He died peacefully 2 days after hospitalization.)

Lost and Found

Title: Lost and Found
Author: Joyce
Rating: G
Pairing: Tomapi
Note: This is my first attempt at writing fics, so I'm sorry that this is horrible! I'm truly sorry! Hontoni gomenasai!

Why is it late? Please let me see him, please I pray. Just this once. I’ve waited so long. So long. Too long.

He strode up and down the waiting lobby. He was anxious, his heart felt like it was going to jump out of his ribcage. The airport clock says 12.58pm. Toma had been waiting for only half an hour, but to him time had stopped. He looked at the arrival board and saw that flight AKA 1315 from Hawaii had arrived.

His heart skipped a beat.

Where is he??! 5 years have passed, could it be that I can’t recognize him anymore? Or maybe he has forgotten me?
NO, I should not think that way! I know he still thinks of me. Ikuta Toma, stop thinking silly thoughts!

Although he had been separated from Yamashita for years, he knows, he always knew, that they would not be apart for long. No, he won’t let anything or anyone get in their way this time. He had to try. He must. For their sake, he must.

5 years ago, news of Toma and Yamapi’s relationship leaked like wildfire. Although none of them came out publicly about it, but there were enough rumours and pictures for Johnny-san himself to take notice. Things were getting out of hand, and many fans were displeased. They had thought it was all rumours, and hadn’t expected it to be real. The older generation were disgusted by their relationship. No, they could not accept homosexuality yet, not just yet.

Johnny Jimusho himself then took things into his hands and gave both of them an ultimatum. They had to go separate ways, or else risked being dropped from the company and paying back their contract. Toma knew they had to take it. He can’t allow Yamapi’s successful career to just wilt away and disappear. He had a band to lead and millions of fans to answer to, unlike him who back then hasn’t yet debuted. No, for Yamapi’s sake, he would have to separate from Yamapi.

Under Johnny’s orders, Yamashita will have to leave to further his studies in Business Management in Hawaii while Toma stayed back in Japan to further his career. Unbeknownst to Toma, Yamapi had begged Johnny to let Toma successfully debut if he were to leave for Hawaii. Only when Johnny had agreed, did Yamapi packed up and left. Both cried and broke down many many times during the first year. Toma missed Pi sorely despite having other friends surrounding him. Even his debut was a lonely affair without the younger one around.

It broke his heart knowing that they were apart. For the first time in his life, he was scared. He grew in fear of having to live life without Pi again. Johnny went to great lengths to make sure that the two of them never had the chance to meet. NEWS had a substitute leader in Nishikido Ryo and Toma was kept busy by his never ending schedule. He slowly found solitude in his work. Interviews after interviews. Photo shoot after photo shoot. Rehearsals, filming movies, butai performances, his album, vocal practice, all kept him busy and thus provided him a way to keep from thinking about Yamapi. Yet success was nothing without Pi with him.

But when he was alone, his thoughts went to Pi. Oh, how his heart ached and longed to talk to the man he had grown up with. How he longed to reach out and touch him. Memories flooded him. Memories of them small again, finding success, fame, stardom. Memories of them dancing and singing together. Memories… All were nothing but memories now. Why was life so cruel? How could life tear them apart, leaving big black holes in his life? What if he never saw Pi again?

Again and again he chided himself. Pi had to come back. His family was here, his friends were here. He belonged in Japan. NEWS would not be the same again without him and fans were sad. He was sad.

Then the years flew by quickly, and one day he heard. He heard and he knew that the time has come for them to meet again. Pi was coming back. It was safe again for him to come back. Any displeasure over their forbidden relationship had worn away. The soothing passage of time had seen to that and many seemed to have forgotten.

As he was deep in his thoughts, suddenly he felt a hand touch him.

He jumped and whirled around to find himself looking at a pair of eyes. Eyes so familiar, so full of the warmth he had grown to love. Eyes he knew where he was safe and never judged. Eyes that he had searched endlessly only to find himself falling deeper in again. Beautiful warm eyes with tears now glistening and dangerously on the verge of spilling over.

For a long time, he didn’t know how, they searched each other’s soul with their eyes. No words were necessary. And Toma broke. Emotions, anger, hurt, love, loneliness overwhelmed him, like a riverbank whose angry waters could not contain any longer.

He pulled Yamapi near and both held each other tight. Both crying over their separation, and yet rejoicing knowing that neither had changed. Crying for they can touch and love now. For now.

For now….

Hey people!! Jot down your thoughts, experiences, and you might get a penny for your thoughts...NOT...

Hey Goh AC, Nisha-professor-for-college-life, go to http://www.whatsafterspm.blogspot.com/
to tell the world about your life after SPM. I think your stories are fantastic!! You might be famous!

Heya!!

I've been missing from the face of the earth and I'm back! Have been reading a wonderful TomaJun fanfic on LJ and suddenly fell in love with the thought of Toma getting so much love from everyone, regardless whether it's Pi, Jun, or even me!

It's the last day of work today, and 2 days of holidays for me to enjoy. Alas, I have assignments hanging over my head, threatening to dim my bright and spotless days with nothing but endless writing and researching. Which brings me to the point that I hate studying online. Call me an old fashioned bogey, but I love the feeling of having notes and books to go to when I study. Not journal after journal, which you have to dig out from the internet, and to your utter disappointment (after the 500th journal or so), doesn't even touch on the subject that you were looking for.

And another thing is, staring at the computer endlessly gives me headaches! My eyes are complaining and my head is drumming on. But, I've got only 2 usable journals.... Sigh.. And so the circle repeats itself.

Enough of complaints today. I hope that work will be fine and enjoyable today! With the exception of a colleague who jokes and does silly antics more than she cares for her patients, which means that someone else will have to do her job for her in the end.

Which means I'm complaining again... I'm such a bitch. Yeah.. Oh well, I'll just pick up my socks and put on my boxing gloves and head to work today. It's a wonderful day after all!

Peace

Today, I'm at peace with myself. Must be the rain and the thunder. Yea, I'm a weird person with some silly rain fetish. Anyway, I'm at peace with the world too, it seems! Blessed day my friends!

Random eh?

Relay for Life 2009

Relay for Life was last Saturday and Sunday! It was a wonderful event and so I had lots of fun! Well obviously we were supposed to be there to show our support for all those cancer survivors and anything that had to do with cancer. It was also supposed to be an event to collect and raise funds for the hospice centre, spread the news about cancer, and raise awareness.

So there we were, me and some friends, carrying placards and banners and walking around the field. It started off as a bright and sunny (and not to mention hot!) day. But around 6pm, dark clouds, not so dark anyway, started amassing above our heads. It didn't threaten to rain immediately, but I was glad that it got cooler. Around 7pm, a lovely little surprise (I stil think it's a gift from God) peeked out behind the clouds.

A faint, but still beautiful, rainbow appeard in the sky! It was just lovely and perked everyone up. People were pointing up to the sky and snapping pictures. 15 minutes later, the rainbow grew stronger (in colour) and we could finally see the whole arch of the rainbow. It was just one of those moments where you felt in awe of things greater than us humans. It felt serene and peaceful, to me anyway. I think God was also sending us a message and a gift to those cancer survivors out there, cheering them on and telling them that He knows what He is making us go through and that He will never let us be alone.

Anyhow, it did rain later on. But that was just fine. I think it was a success and will definitely join the next relay, and hopefully I can get to spend the night there next! I found a lovely song to share with all. It is from the anime Natsume Yuujinchou and I think it's a lovely anime (for those who are interested). But the song really is super nice. Enjoy!

p/s: I found out from a friend that she had been reading my blogs and I was surprised! It felt pleasant knowing that my literary greats (AHEM!) were being appreciated... LOL! Anyway, have a good day fellow humanoids!

Studies started

I finally kicked myself into studying today. Nothing new, assignments are starting to pour in, I'll be spending more time in front of the PC, more pimples will sprout out (not sure where since my face is practically covered by them), more grey hair will be seen thanks to stress, my vocabulary will grow tremendously thanks to the thick law book that Monash sent me (which I think is nice), and hopefully at the end of all these, I'll have learnt something precious.

Anyhow, I'm telling myself to enjoy learning (yes, including the assignments) so that it will all be a breeze, instead of dreading it and forcing myself to study. Well, ethical and legal issues in nursing should be quite fun as I get to see what is the "prescribed" notion of doing things and COMPARING them to what is being practiced in my hospital. For instance, obtaining a consent. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, learning to manage wounds is also this semester, and hopefull by the end of June, I'll be taking better care of my patient's wounds. Perhaps with my new found knowledge, I'll be slightly more courageous and bravely discuss the care of wounds and sores with some of the doctors. Not all, but at least some... One or two of them are definitely off limits.. I don't want to be called a "nut" again...

Cheers!

Physiotherapist

Hi! We have a new physiotherapist, whom the whole hospital is talking about. He's hot!

This is a real no brainer!
Sorry for being lame and silly...
Have a good day people!

XXX

Ok.. This is totally random. A friend of mine suggested I try a silly website called urbandictionary.com
She said to type in my name and see what came out. So I typed "Joyce" and the answers I got were just awful. I don't agree with them, and still think that my name is better than the definition I got. So here's what they had to say about "Joyce":

1. joyce
A verb, meaning to lead someone on and then crush his or her heart like a heartless, souless, biatch that does pineapples and your sister.
"She joyced you." "You got joyced." "Are you going to joyce him?"

2. Joyce
A slang in Bulgarian used for Marihuana
Hey mate, have you got any joyce

3. Joyce
A purple toenail fungus that is often used as medicine for butt warts
"Ew, is that Joyce?"

And beside my name were tags on other searches. I clicked on "sex" and this is what they gave me... (p/s: I ain't no pervert!)

sex
A painful activity in which a man, using the stiffest and pointiest part of his pelvic region, repeatedly stabs a female in her crotch until he feels satisfied. Can also take place between two men, in which one male stabs the other in the bum. Lesbian "sex" may be fun and all, but it aint real sex unless there is some sort of stabbling going on, perhaps with a cleverly shaped hand or steel dildo

Ok... this is getting too much for me... Kinda regretted that I wrote this. But, it's my day off after working for 8 whole days!! My brain's fried...

Passing of a Friend

I woke up this morning and read the newpaper. After going through the "fun" side of the papers, I read the "news" side of it. To my horror, I read about the death of a friend. I never ever would have thought that someone I knew will ever commit suicide. Not especially a nurse! Not by jumping off the Penang Bridge!

I'm still reeling in from shock as to what would have made her jump. Reports said that she had a "family dispute", but it seems so unlikely! Unlikely that she would jump off just because her parents said that she was living her life too lavishly. No, it did not make any sense. No sense at all! My parents are now making up their conclusions as to what had driven her to jump. And it's irritating me that they think they know how the world goes.

Anyway, it's a grey world today. I don't think the sun should shine, but I guess it goes to show that the world doesn't revolve around us humans. I'm still in shock, and I think I will be so for some time. I pray that my friend will have found her happy ending in wherever she is now. Although I wasn't close to her, but I was glad that she had touched my life and had taught me a lot when I was in college. We will all remember her for being a funny and cheerful soul in this big grey world.

Aussie Medicare!

Oh well, since I'm here, might as well pour out my new found love and adoration for Australia's Government. Huh?? you ask? Well, Semester 2 started yesterday, and this sem, we're learning Law and Ethics. And the textbook is from Australia. Which means they have lots of Autralian Law in there. Anyway, my lecturer started telling us a little about the medical benefits that the Federal Government (of Down Under) had for their veterans, aged community, children, and etc etc...

I kind of grew in awe of the wonderful facilities and help the community there get from the government! Not that my country is that terrible. I think we have a wonderful health system too. Now, if only they can stop bickering!.......... Sigh... Oh well, I really love it that, repoting of suspected cases of child abuse is made mandatory! Lovely isn't it?!

Spur of The Moment Kind of Thing

Went out today after classes started. Before this, I had planned to buy Lee Hom's new CD coz I loved all of his new songs! I thought to myself, how wonderful would it be to have Lee Hom singing again in my car with songs of the spring sun, heartbeats, unrequited love, dirty love.... So there I went, zoomed straight to Popular Bookshop (coz I have Popular Card ba! Got discount! )

Anyway, after picking out pens, I went straight to the music aisle. And there "he" was, sitting on the shelf, awaiting my honoured presence, awaiting the moment I would pick "him" up and purchase "him" at the counter. It was RM 44.90 (as assessed before).

But then, SNAP! Something went snap in my mind, and I thought, why should I get it for RM44.90 when I can get it for RM4 at the market! (of course I meant the pirated version). I did this tug and war in my mind. To buy or not to buy. Then suddenly, I thought. Why am I hesitating to buy a CD from a much adored musician?! It sounded pretty ok to get it when I was sitting alone in my room, listening to his music on YouTube!

Now, I'm feeling kind of disappointed in myself. What am I trying to say? I don't know really. Spur of the moment thoughts never turn out to reality once we really think about it? Haha. I'm just contemplating what to write actually, other than pouring compliments about the Australian Government and their Law/Bills. Will explain later. If the mood to type comes out again. Love reading and writing TomaPi fanfics too. I'm getting ridiculous. Better stop.

Everything - Lee Hom

Wang Lee Hom - Everything

曲：王力宏 词：王力宏 小寒

故事里的 起承转合 有一些忘记
做了多少错误的选择
原来波折 才暗示着 该走的方向
指引你我来到这一刻

就算别人都说 我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃

Cause You're My Everything
就一个原因 让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
不管用多少个明天 永远从此刻开始算起
你的爱是我的Everything

遥远天际 巧合相遇 有多少几率
多少烟火 坠落无痕
迹因为幸福 没有捷径 难免要绕道
不被看好越是要走到

就算别人都说 我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃

你就是Everything
就这个原因 让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
只要你说一声愿意 所有的未来才有意义
你的爱是我的Everything

Cause You're My Everything
就一个原因 让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
不管用多少个明天 永远从此刻开始算起

你就是Everything
就如这个原因 我会永远记住这种感觉
想给你Everything
只要你说一声愿意 所有的未来才有意义
你的爱是我的Everything

Love. Friends. Valentine's Cards.

I received my first Valentine's Card yesterday! Hip-Hip-Hooray! Haha!! It wasn't from any secret admirer, or some unrequited love waiting to be noticed, or some hot-blooded Mr. Universe who spotted me at a coffee bar and fell head over heels with me. Nay nay nay... It was a much more meaningful card from a very very good friend who remembers me!

Yaayyy!! This is the best and probably the "best-est" (pardon me grammar..) Valentine's Day gift I've ever received, and perhaps one of the unforgettable ones in a long list of V-day gifts (or correctly, gifts-to-come). It was a simple card with a thank you note and "love-you-my-dear-friend" written with lots of love and sincerity in it. Perhaps I was being silly, or just the sheer ecstasy from receiving a V-Day card, but I could not help smiling broadly like some silly teenage girl who was in her throes of puppy love.

Which brought me to think. It was an already proven and much stated fact, but still I will repeat it. That life-long friends are much more precious than men. Girlfriends (or any true friend) will stick with you through thick and thin and share with your ups and downs (sorry for being so cliched). And I also say this as a sort-of testimonial to all those singles out there who will have to sit through those silly, sappy, ridiculously saccharine-sweet Valentine's Day advertorials and movies and gimmicks, come this 14th.

Anyway, single or not, I truly believe that good friends are for live. It's harder finding true friends, than falling in love with Mr.Right. Aye-ye! On a different note (this being the silly 5-year old FANGIRL speaking), I would love to wish Toma-chan, Ryo-chan, and Kei-chan A Very Happy Valentine's Day! Ganbarimasu, especially to dear Toma-chan!

And of course, a very HAPPY AND CHEERY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL MY FRIENDS (attached or single alike)!!!

Jilted

Seems like some friends are with me because I'm "useful" to have around.
Probably over-thinking again.
Must be the lack of sleep from working night shift.
Tomorrow will be a better day.

Exciting Night

What started of as a boring first day of night duty turned out to be the most exciting that ever happened in my 2 years of working life! It may just be ordinary events but at least it made my night shift a little more unpredictable.

So here I was, arriving for duty as usual at 10.30pm. And since this was the first day that the ward was open after the renovation and CNY holidays, I didn't expect it to be a full ward. Well, I wasn't that spot on. I came to find only 2 patients...... It was kind of a shock, but I didn't mind the lack of patients (because I know the ward will be full again within the next day or so). So I started vital signs as usual and completed my usual routine within half an hour. By 12am, I found myself too free. So we did some cleaning up and re-labelling of the drawers. The ward was still kind of messy because we were lacking some dividers (in the cabinets and drawers) and so, many documents haven't found their rightful homes yet.

While we were organizing the ward, some of the renovation workers (on night duty) started their work too, hoping to complete their last round of work by the coming morning. And so everything was smooth sailing.

Then at 3am, the lights went off with a pop and suddenly there was a loud beeping sound from the medication room (no worries, no bombs to be found). At first I wasn't worried, coz' I thought the workers accidentally caused the power trip and they will restore it ASAP. So I was surprised when the friendly worker came out and asked me, "Oi, apa jadi??? Kenapa tak ada electric?" To which I replied, "Hah? Bukan lu potong ka itu electric? Aiyo! Why no electric wan??!"

And so Mr. Friendly Worker said, "Oh, tak apa. Saya tolong kamu switch back itu electric." And so he went into the switch room and did his stuff. I thought, maybe give him 15 minutes. So friendly worker toiled in the switch room for some time. And when he came out like 30mins after, he said "Aiyo! Cannot flip back la the switch!! What's wrong ah?!"
"How I know?! Aiya...." my reply came.

And so began my night in total darkness. I groped for the phone and called the engineering on-call staff and located my night supervisor and told her my predicament. I really thank God that there were only 2 patients! And my female patient freaked out because the power went off with a loud pop. The other male patient slept like a baby (thank goodness..). And so we waited for the engineering staff to come. And my supervisor told me that the staff (Mr. Yee) stayed in Balik Pulau! That's like 13km away from my hospital!!! So in the meantime, we got out torchlights from the dusty storeroom. And the supervisor got some fluorescent lamps from security base. Both lasted 2 minutes because they had not been charged. And she got some more lamps from the nursing office. One worked well because it was new. The other 3 torchlights used up a total of 8 "D" sized batteries and still could not be used! They were ancient........... God bless them.

45 minutes later, Mr. Yee arrived! Hallelujah! I thought this interesting event would be over fast. Lo and behold he could not find the source of the power trip! (p/s: we could not use the generator because this was a local power trip, meaning confined only to my ward) And in the meantime, my patient was sweating profusely because it was hot and stuffy and the mozzies were killing us, literally. So I found another bed for her to camp on temporarily while we suss out the problem. And I sat alone in the darkness with a single light for company while kungfu fighting all the mozzies.

It was a silly sight to behold as I lugged along a fluorescent lamp to check my patient's vital signs and the patient gave me a "look". Who wouldn't? Funnier more was when I emptied his urinary catheter and held the jug up to the lamp to see the amount and colour of the urine I emptied. I felt like I was in the pre-war era, a single Florence Nightingale with a kerosene lamp along the hospital corridor. Horror movies anyone?

And the house supervisor said that if the power failure could not be sorted out, my two patients will have to be transferred out to other wards. So I started booking rooms from the next ward. Oh did I mention my PYXIS station (electronic medicine dispenser and supplies stock-cupboard thingy) were making loud beeping noises?? As in LOUD BEEPING NOISES. It was damn loud and I found out the reason for these beeps was because they were now running on battery power. They were reminding you that they need AC support! And just before they went out, the beeping got persistently frequent and louder!! And finally they went out too. Which I was grateful for because the beeping simply stopped! Hallelujah I sang ^__^

After what seemed like a decade, the smart man finally got the power supply back! It was 5am by then and I had almost fell asleep in the darkness. And I forgot to mention that my infusion pump also went out of battery life and could not be charged because the power supply was out. So I decided to change to another pump. When I tried all the pumps in the cabinet, all those in the "reachable" cabinet were out of battery life too! And those higher up, I could not reach! Sigh... Luckilly I had one with 2 more bars of battery life. Sigh.... (these things make a loud beeping noise too when the battery is dying...)

Why am I telling you this story? Because I'm trying to stay awake as best as I could while flitting through web pages online. And I hate mozzies. And I think this was an interesting night. And because I will never have only 2 patients ever again.

I found that a singer by the name of Jane Zhang Liang Ying from mainland China is a super singer with a pitch that is in the whistle register (that's like the highest register of the human voice, even higher than the falsetto!) (e.g. Mariah Carey, Minnie Riperton - who sang Lovin' You). Well, she sings well too! Catch her latest duet with my beloved Wang Lee Hom.

p/s: I thought it was the electric guitar, till I realized that it was HER singing! OMG!

Thinking Too Much

Going house visiting with some relatively new friends got me thinking a lot. Oh well, me thinking unnecessary things isn't new as well. So I won't write much about it. Many things in life won't change just because I crack my head. And even if I got to choose once all over again, I probably won't change much of my choices.

Anyway, this is a lovely song by Lee Hom. Heartbeat. 心跳. Enjoy^_^

Red Cliff (Pt. 2)

Today I went to watch Red Cliff Part 2. About the movie, it was really great! As usual, Tony Leung and Takeshi Kaneshiro were both superb. I thought the supporting cast was great too! Some of them were really scene stealers! Especially during the fighting scenes

But watching that movie really made me ask questions. Questions like, is war really worth it when millions of lives are sacrificed? What does the winner get/achieve in the end after so many lives are killed? Half an army annihilated fro what purpose/greatness?

In the end, when the war has ended, Tony Leung's character had this to say:
"Today, everyone loses."

I really agree with him. Both their armies suffered great losses and yet, nothing was gained. It was a sad moment. Families were torn apart and many will never get to see their loved ones forever.

It is scary to think that war is raging in some parts of the world now. To know that people (innocent people) are dying everyday, children are starving, and families are torn apart.

Sigh... What a depressing subject.
Anyway, on a brighter note, I painted my toes red today, and boy are they HOT! Smokin' if I would say.. But, really. Red Cliff 2 is really a great anti-war movie. I think the message is clear and the acting is great. Anyhow, watch it for Takeshi Kaneshiro if nothing else! He's hot hot hot! And funny too!
Baby!!!

Nostalgic 90s

Recently found myself missing the nineties. It was an interesting time back then. There was the economic meltdown, the chipmunks, transformers cartoon, thunderbirds (goodness, anyone care to remember??), the Hong Kong-China handover, the infamous David Beckham red card event, George Soros and Malaysia (scary times..), rollerblades, and the music.
I miss the music scene back then. Boybands dominated the scene mostly with BSB leading the pack and the emergence of other bands like The Moffatts, Hanson, 911, 98 Degrees, Simply Red, Boyzone, Boys II Men. Girls too had girl power from TLC, Eternal, Mariah Carey (I used to admire her songs and her ooh-lala vocals), Whitney Houston, and the mother of them all, Celine Dion (Titanic!). Also not forgetting the (un)forgettable Spice Girls, and *GASP*, Cher!
So, I find myself now searching and downloading songs from this wonderful era! Yes, I am now listening to Bodyshakin' from 911, MmmBop from Hansons, Butterfly from Mariah and etc etc etc. Shamelessly! :p But to me, it was really a great time. Anyone missing the 90's too??
So here I have the cheesiest song from 911: Bodyshakin'!! Yee-har! Dare I say, enjoy?? :pppp

Aargghhh!!!

Why does there seem to be so much sadness at the begining of the year? Another of my patient has passed away! Yesterday night at 2am! Sigh.... I just sent her back home and thought she was going to live another year or so.. Fine, maybe her prognosis isn't so good after all, but she was still fine when she went back 3 days ago!

Aargh... Now I'm starting to grow depressed. I should shut up. And my friend is leaving! Why is everyone leaving??? Fine. Whatever "lah"!

Cheers people.

Times like these..

My patient passed away yesterday. No pain, no blood, no struggles. Just died peacefully and finally released from his suffering. No longer has he got to feel the pain of the daily dressings to his multiple ulcers, no longer has he got to endure the pricks from setting IV lines every 3-4 days. It was sad, but having witnessed so many deaths, I'm sad (and sorry) to say that I don't really feel sad. I empathize, yes, but do we cry? I guess I can't.

But this is not what I have come to write about today. It just struck me that not many of us will have the chance to see a person die in front of us. Literally. Not dropping dead dramatically, but slowly decrease in breathing, blood pressure falling slowly, not responding anymore, and closing the eyes, and then the heart just stops. No more beating, no more pumping.

If you have, then you will realize that you can sense when the person is leaving. I can't explain it. You just know that something is amiss. Perhaps it's the colour of the patient or his lack of responsiveness (but how about comatose people?), but you just know it when you've been with the person long enough. You will know when it's time. Yesterday when I clocked in for duty, the night nurses said that it wasn't time yet, even though his blood pressure dropped to 60-some. We just now that the patient is not going to pass away yet.
But around 1pm yesterday, even though the Oxygen level in his body was only 85% (the normal is supposed to be >90%), I think I sensed something.

That he was ready to leave.

You may find it stupid that I think it is a great.. I forgot the word....
How do you say it? I think it is a great "chance/opportunity" (whatever word is supposed to go here..) to be able to send people off. Put it simply, I think not many people will have the chance to help a patient die. And I'm thankful for the moments I can spend with the deceased. It is really humbling to watch a patient die. To know that his/her journey this life has ended and now they are ready for a great adventure somewhere else (to quote Dumbledore..), and to know that a greater force than we ourselves exist, and is in power (regaredless of what religion you believe in).

I'm not depressed, just humbled and thankful for the moments I have right now. It is indeed true when they say "Live the Moment". Live "now" we'll all have a great journey in life. Thank you Lord, for that dying patient has touched my life.